I've been kicked in the gut. Everything that I've been working for in the last three months has just been poofed away. I prayed for God to take it all. Take my emotions, take my fears, take my dreams, take my desires, take it all, and turn me into who he wants me to be. I guess he did sort of.
Today was a bad day. Yesterday I went from angry to sad to angry again. The day prior, I felt pure rage. Someday that balance will come. In the meantime, I'm searching for my happy place. My happy place used to be warm, cozy, and comfortable no matter what. I don't have that anymore. I can't keep hugging my kids. They're getting annoyed.
The funny thing is, when I prayed that prayer, I did it without holding back. I knew I meant it, but I didn't think about what meaning it meant. Have you ever prayed for something and then immediately got results and then thought WTF!!
My last new beginning gave me a wonderful 8lb 8oz baby girl. The one before that gave me independence times infinity. That first one gave me the courage to put myself out there. It gave me the courage to be myself no matter what. The second beginning allowed me to realize what kind of family life I wanted to provide for my family. This one is painful. More painful that anything I've ever felt. I feel like all my hope has been sucked out of me.
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