Where my brain is right now.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfdlIMlPmuA&sns=fb    part one

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTzKY_DOBpo              part two

     Above is a link to an ex-couple asking each other questions about how they felt about their relationship.  There is a part in part two where the dude gets asked why he hasn't had a relationship since they broke up.  He goes on to explain that his heart was ripped out when he had to remove the things they created together from his apartment and how disassembling their life together was awful.  He was definitely onto something.

     I don't think that I will ever want to be in a relationship again.  Tearing down my life with the girls' dad, however awful it actually was, was extremely painful.  And it's not something I ever want to do again.  I fall fast.  And I fall hard!  I think it's more me being in love with love rather than that person, but still.  I told someone once that I could fall in love with anyone. It didn't matter who, because love is a choice.  It's not a feeling.  Lust is a feeling.  That's the beginning, I thought.  I have many more thoughts on what "love" really is, but that's a little too revealing into my life right now, and I think it would be too embarrassing to divulge.  

     After Bit and I FINALLY quit going back and forth, I was able to get the chance to see what a good man looks and feels like.  If I ever decide that I want another relationship, what I learned from that brief interaction with that man will be what I base my bullshit-o-meter on.  If that makes any sense.  I'm so glad I was able to have that time, but I am absolutely taking the time to discover me more.  There are things that I have discovered that are really surprising.  My reflection into my mind and my soul have shown me what my flaws and perfections are.  It turns out that what I thought I had outgrown was really what made me ... me.  

    Don't ever think that just because you are older that the things that once made you happy and at peace wouldn't do the same for you now.  Yes, discover new things.  Always discover new things and new passions, but don't abandon the old ones.  Being alone and staring at the stars and the moon has always been one of my favorite things.  There's this place in Gatewood  behind one of the houses and out in the woods that I would sit and stare into the trees that I miss.  And there's a cliff on the creek that I miss.  And really just lying on the back patio of my old yard and staring into space is what I miss most.  Recreate the things that used to make you happy.  And find new adventures.  Don't wait for peace and harmony and happiness.  Create it within yourself and everything will fall into place.

  

     

3/31 - New beginnings are hard.

I've been kicked in the gut.  Everything that I've been working for in the last three months has just been poofed away.  I prayed for God to take it all.  Take my emotions, take my fears, take my dreams, take my desires, take it all, and turn me into who he wants me to be.  I guess he did sort of.

Today was a bad day.  Yesterday I went from angry to sad to angry again.  The day prior, I felt pure rage.  Someday that balance will come.  In the meantime, I'm searching for my happy place.  My happy place used to be warm, cozy, and comfortable no matter what.  I don't have that anymore.  I can't keep hugging my kids.  They're getting annoyed.

The funny thing is, when I prayed that prayer, I did it without holding back.  I knew I meant it, but I didn't think about what meaning it meant.  Have you ever prayed for something and then immediately got results and then thought WTF!!

My last new beginning gave me a wonderful 8lb 8oz baby girl.  The one before that gave me independence times infinity.  That first one gave me the courage to put myself out there.  It gave me the courage to be myself no matter what.  The second beginning allowed me to realize what kind of family life I wanted to provide for my family. This one is painful.  More painful that anything I've ever felt.  I feel like all my hope has been sucked out of me.

9/2

When you dream, do you remember them?  Do you think there is a significance in your dreams?  Are they sporadic?   Do they seem like a story? 

I had a dream the other night I was in some sort of interrogation room.  A group of three individuals were asking me a series of questions.  I won't go into much detail but at the end of it I was laughing at the guy who said he ordered me to do....whatever.  My response: "You order me?  Who are you to order me to do anything?  I'm not afraid of you or anything you can do to me." And I went on to explain why.  I forget the movie I was watching that this spawned from. 

After having this dream I watched a video about militarized police (not on purpose, but still).  The police are public servants, people there to protect us.  Why then are they equipped with 15 foot high armored vehicles?  Like SWAT needs that.  Drop those people off at the corner, they're trained to be stealthy enough to avoid being seen.  Or should be. 

Off topic.  sorry.  I could go on about the things I don't understand that goes on behind our backs.  The media (FOX, CNN, MSNBC, and the like) aren't going to be bold enough to tell us what's going on.  Hardly do you see them report something that really matters.  I'd hate to be a journalist today.  It's boring.  "This just in.  Some redneck got arrested.  A meth lab was found somewhere in the upstate.  Somebody got shot.  Somebody died in a wreck."  Do you think that if something worth reporting came up they would do it?  Probably not. 

I'm not going to gripe too much longer, but I took an oath about 12 years ago.  It holds a new and different meaning now than it ever has.  http://freedomintelligence.wordpress.com/2009/05/14/are-you-a-three-percenter/

8/22

I love it when God goes, "Amber.  You're being an idiot".  Maybe not in those terms exactly.  Most of the time there's the same central argument in this house.  And my attitude about it has always been "it's not just my job alone".  I just read a chapter titled Making His Home a Sanctuary.  

It pointed out a series of scriptures that I never knew were in the Bible.  Chalk it up to a horrible Google search.  Proverbs 31:10-31.  Yes, I got my Bible to check if it was really in there.  I read those verses and the sound womp-womp-woommmmpp reverberated in my head.  Prideful and lazy.  That's how I felt.  Feel.

Could I have had the wrong attitude about the husband/wife dynamic?  No, we're not married, but we've lived together for 7 or 8 years now.  Might as well think of him as my husband anyway.  Does he "take care" of the family like I think he should?  Does he think he "takes care" of the family?  What does "taking care" of a family mean? 

Maybe the reason I've felt he hasn't been the man I wanted him to be is because I haven't been the woman he wants me to be.  Here's a shock: I'm not perfect.  I can be loud, opinionated, lazy, self-righteous, and a bunch of other intrusive adjectives into my personal life.  

 Sometimes I look at people and think "man they have a great marriage, why can't I have that".  It's becoming more clear to me that marriage is work and it never starts out perfect.  If you're waiting on it to be perfect you're gonna turn to dust first.

Anyway, I need to finish reading this book and stop picking through it to find something to support my cause.  Nobody is perfect.  I just need to roll with the punches I guess.   If you're curious what book, message me.  It's christian based (obviously because of the scripture reference) just so you know.

My brain today - 8/19

https://newspring.cc/articles/three-secrets-to-changing-your-spouse

Above is a blog by someone a Newspring.  I haven't read it yet, but it sparked a lot of thought.  My children all have the same father.  I have debated for about 8 years... well, not 8 years, but for a while now whether I should marry him or not.  
He was raised Baptist so he says, but his mom and dad never really took him to church.   When he was a teenager he went to a Baptist Youth group.  I wasn't raised in church, but I too went to a Baptist youth group.  I've always hungered for a relationship with God, and I've spent a huge portion of my adult life seeking that relationship.  
Their dad, we'll call him Rob, has some knowledge of the Bible.  Rob is one of those types of people that you don't know when you can take him seriously.  Whenever we have a conversation about God we end up arguing.  I believe there is a Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.  He believes they're all the same person.  I understand and believe that all things are possible with God, but the fact that the same person is three different entities...I can't wrap my brain around that. I'm not going to believe something just because someone tells me to. If Jesus is God why does he pray to God if he is God.  He's essentially praying to himself, then isn't he?  See, it doesn't make sense.  
So, the fact that I won't say the Holy Trinity is the same person causes arguments.  
Church?  I enjoy going to Newspring.  Rob does not.  We tried going to another church.  A Baptist church.  But that lasted two weeks, and he never expressed any interest in trying anywhere else.  There are a few churches I'd like to test out, but the interest in looking for a home church is gone.  
Basically, Rob and I never agree on anything.  And if my assumptions about that article are true, you can't change anyone.  And if my assumptions are wrong, you can't change Rob.  
So here I am, stuck between that hard place and that rock.  I love him, but there are huge issues.  Our faiths being the biggest.  It's strange.  Two people were essentially brought up exactly the same, yet have totally different beliefs.  We both believe in God and that Jesus died for our sins, but there's smaller differences.  Do I put those smaller differences aside and focus on the fact that the main issues are the same??  Do I live a conflicting lifestyle from him and forever have my own life apart from his?  Or do I just call it now and save myself the conflict?    

My brain today 8/17

I just figured out how to use this blog thing.  So here goes.  It'll be a mix of my thoughts on worldly issues, parenting epiphanies, and basically whatever is on my mind.  :D Have fun!   (mild language at times)

I've been doing a lot of thinking what kind of mother I am.  Sometimes I feel like I'm a bombass mom and then I'm like I'm so horrible.  My kids are 3, 5, and 7.

In the morning, my older two will be going to school.  It's the first time two will be out of the house all day.  I'm not going to know what to do with myself.  But I think I've figured it out.

We've lived in our house for three years now.  I made sure the kids are able to get to the things they need (drink, food, whatever).  That way they don't have to wait for me to get what they want.  We don't have a structured day.  The kids wake up on "non-school" days and pretty much get to do whatever they want.  They get fruit when they're hungry or make themselves a sandwich.  They have access to ice water through the fridge.  I never thought this was a bad thing. I always thought it taught them independence.  No parent is perfect.  Thinking back, I always got what I needed for myself.  Why shouldn't my kids be able to?  You have those maternally inclined mothers that dote on their kids and wipe their tushes with cashmere diapers.  You have tough love mothers.  I think of myself as a tough love mother.  I always wanted to be a mother.  My idea of what it was about and my reality are different, but you can't focus on that though.

My kids are all happy and healthy, and that alone makes me proud.  Among other things.  I spend quality time with all of them daily.  They are awesome!  And they adore me.

Where am I going with this?  There are definitely things I can improve on.  And ways to do this are in the back of my mind.  I've stopped being an open book, so if you've started reading this thinking your gonna get some entertainment, I'm sorry.

One thing I'm excited about is I've started printing little bible verses and cute little coloring pages to teach the girls some basic christian living.  I didn't grow up with those types of things so I'm hoping to instill some decent values in them.   I hope they grow up to love themselves and everyone else.  I hope they keep their promises to God.  Seeing as I didn't, I'm not sure how to teach all of this to them.  I want to be a Godly role model for them.  I want them to feel like they can come to me for things.  I am their mother, not their friend.  It scares me to bring them up in this horrible world we live in and I've not got my life together and I'm stumbling through life thinking I'm raising well rounded little ladies.  One can only pray.

I hope you enjoyed an insight into my brain.   Comment as you like.  Negative comments won't be deleted, but they won't be replied to for future reference.  Can't promise this will always be a pleasant read.